In Remembrance of my AWESOME MOM

Circa 1980

September 11th use to be a joyous day for our family. It was a day filled with love, laughter, lots of food, and loud karaoke singing. Friends, family, and even strangers would join us in our house to celebrate what a wonderful woman my mom is.  Unfortunately, six years ago, she passed away from cancer. 

The first few years of her passing was devastating for me, a part of me passed with her. I was lost. My mom has always been my compass. She guided me through life.  Days passed by and life became meaningless.  I quit my job as an Emergency Room Nurse because I couldn't imagine taking care of someone else when I can't even take care of myself.  I moved out of San Diego, a city that I had grown to love. My physical self was present, but my emotional and mental self was checked out. I was a walking, lifeless, empty shell. Months passed and each day I searched and searched for answers. I went to support groups and counseling sessions. I visited my mom's grave site often. I read books after books about grief. Six months later, I realized my mom wouldn't want me to be sad. 

I got a job as a Cardiac Intensive Care Unit nurse. It was tough because I had to learn a lot. I enjoyed taking care of patients, but I didn't find any personal satisfaction. I began to wonder what my purpose was in this world. It was one event that changed my perspective in my role as a nurse. It was about 5 years ago when I was taking care of a patient who was dying. Two consecutive days I watched over him and his family who were all at his bedside. When I looked at the family, I saw myself sitting in their place. I felt their sadness, their loss, their worries, their fear of the unknown, their struggle in reasoning with life and death, and their guilt... It was a moment of revelation: I've been there and I can help them! Although my mom's passing was a very sad event, but it taught me a lot about myself and about grieving. It was not by chance that I got a job in the ICU in which I am constantly faced with death and dying. I was placed there to help people and guide them through this. My mom has never left me. She is always with me. And now she has guided me in finding my purpose in life. 

My mom has taught me to be....

Generous: She has always been generous with people around her. On her only day off, she would cook all day for her friends, family, and strangers. Holidays were super special because my mom would make care packages out of food to give to people. She would help out the elderlies by taking them to places. My mom gave and gave and never expected anything in return. On a daily basis, I try to give generously whether it is my time, money, service, or love.  

A scholar: Even though she has never been to college and graduated with a GED, she has always fostered an educational upbringing. Growing up, my mom often told me that knowledge cannot be taken away, don't ever think it is a waste of time. She read books and would write articles to submit to the Chinese newspapers. I've learned from her to constantly seek knowledge. On my graduation day of receiving a Master Degree, my brother told me that mom would be so proud of you. 

Hopeful: During the time she was sick and knowing what I know about her prognosis, I was very honest with her. I never said directly to her that she was going to die, but my actions reflected it. She was somewhat hopeful in the beginning, but knowing what I know, I slowly wiped that hope away from her. Once her hope was gone, she began to die. I learned that there's nothing wrong with hope or being hopeful. We are not here to determine what people perceive as their destiny, but to guide them through it. 

Loving: My mom has the personality that can instantly like a person she meets. She makes friends everywhere she goes. She accepts people for who they are and highlights their qualities in the friendships she develops with them. I am still in the process of learning, but it has been working out pretty good for me so far. 

I can write on and on about my mom, but I will have to stop here. My mom is one AWESOME woman!