In Remembrance of my AWESOME MOM

Circa 1980

September 11th use to be a joyous day for our family. It was a day filled with love, laughter, lots of food, and loud karaoke singing. Friends, family, and even strangers would join us in our house to celebrate what a wonderful woman my mom is.  Unfortunately, six years ago, she passed away from cancer. 

The first few years of her passing was devastating for me, a part of me passed with her. I was lost. My mom has always been my compass. She guided me through life.  Days passed by and life became meaningless.  I quit my job as an Emergency Room Nurse because I couldn't imagine taking care of someone else when I can't even take care of myself.  I moved out of San Diego, a city that I had grown to love. My physical self was present, but my emotional and mental self was checked out. I was a walking, lifeless, empty shell. Months passed and each day I searched and searched for answers. I went to support groups and counseling sessions. I visited my mom's grave site often. I read books after books about grief. Six months later, I realized my mom wouldn't want me to be sad. 

I got a job as a Cardiac Intensive Care Unit nurse. It was tough because I had to learn a lot. I enjoyed taking care of patients, but I didn't find any personal satisfaction. I began to wonder what my purpose was in this world. It was one event that changed my perspective in my role as a nurse. It was about 5 years ago when I was taking care of a patient who was dying. Two consecutive days I watched over him and his family who were all at his bedside. When I looked at the family, I saw myself sitting in their place. I felt their sadness, their loss, their worries, their fear of the unknown, their struggle in reasoning with life and death, and their guilt... It was a moment of revelation: I've been there and I can help them! Although my mom's passing was a very sad event, but it taught me a lot about myself and about grieving. It was not by chance that I got a job in the ICU in which I am constantly faced with death and dying. I was placed there to help people and guide them through this. My mom has never left me. She is always with me. And now she has guided me in finding my purpose in life. 

My mom has taught me to be....

Generous: She has always been generous with people around her. On her only day off, she would cook all day for her friends, family, and strangers. Holidays were super special because my mom would make care packages out of food to give to people. She would help out the elderlies by taking them to places. My mom gave and gave and never expected anything in return. On a daily basis, I try to give generously whether it is my time, money, service, or love.  

A scholar: Even though she has never been to college and graduated with a GED, she has always fostered an educational upbringing. Growing up, my mom often told me that knowledge cannot be taken away, don't ever think it is a waste of time. She read books and would write articles to submit to the Chinese newspapers. I've learned from her to constantly seek knowledge. On my graduation day of receiving a Master Degree, my brother told me that mom would be so proud of you. 

Hopeful: During the time she was sick and knowing what I know about her prognosis, I was very honest with her. I never said directly to her that she was going to die, but my actions reflected it. She was somewhat hopeful in the beginning, but knowing what I know, I slowly wiped that hope away from her. Once her hope was gone, she began to die. I learned that there's nothing wrong with hope or being hopeful. We are not here to determine what people perceive as their destiny, but to guide them through it. 

Loving: My mom has the personality that can instantly like a person she meets. She makes friends everywhere she goes. She accepts people for who they are and highlights their qualities in the friendships she develops with them. I am still in the process of learning, but it has been working out pretty good for me so far. 

I can write on and on about my mom, but I will have to stop here. My mom is one AWESOME woman!

Why dogs are so AWESOME?

Have you ever wondered why dogs are so awesome? I have. I read this book called "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" by Esther Hick and it brought some insight on how our dogs represent "pure, positive energy" (Hicks, 2007 ). We love dogs because they love us for who we are and never asking us to change. The effection we give and the effection we receive in return from our dogs is more than one can ask for. They do not hold us responsible for their happiness. They live the life of of being content. They enjoy being with us and do not mind that we are not around. Their joy is internal and not determined by us. Can you name anyone in your life that has a personality of a dog? I sure can't because humans are far more complex and for some people, we don't know what being content means or what it represents. Can we learn to be as awesome as our little counterparts? Sure we can.

On sunday at church (Newsong), Pastor Dave spoke about hitting the "PAUSE" button. I think it's a great message about how sometimes we need to stop being busy and start really seeing the Awesome things that are happening around us. Pause does not mean that you become passive or stagnent, but it can be an active action to really SEE, LEARN, and ENJOY what you have been missing out on. Don't let life pass you by. My most positive memories of awesomeness were during the time when I did HIT PAUSE. Maybe we need more PAUSES in our lives....

Jin and Maxi

The picture of Jin and Maxi was taken last week when I was in PAUSE mode. The past three weeks have been emotionally and physically draining. MK and I went to Coronado doggy park and spent the day relaxing/sunbathing. We played fetch with the dogs and watched the dogs run freely in the water. Pure AWESOMENESS. All my worries were set aside, I felt CONTENT. 

Here are the other AWESOME dogs that I know:

Ali

Ali was my first dog. Passed away during college. The most awesome memory of Ali was during the time when I was crying over a break up. We had just come back from the doggy park when I received the call. While I was on the phone, he was busy chewing on his tasty bone treat. He heard me cry and he PAUSED. He looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and licked my feet. Through his eyes and the passionate act of licking me, I felt that he was trying to tell me "I can feel your pain, don't be sad master, I love you". For a dog to set aside a tasty treat and acknowledge that her master is sad...that's what I call love.

Mui Mui

Mui Mui is my brother's maltese. She's just adorable. I get really happy when I dress her up in doggy clothes. 

Take home message: Don't be afraid to PAUSE sometimes, you might be pleasantly surprised how REFRESHING it could be. 

My Awesome Uncle

Uncle Peter

This is one of my awesome uncles. I am closest to him because I know everything about him from his medical history to how his relationship is going with his girlfriend. I didn't always think he was awesome. For the longest time, I thought he was a pain in the butt and in fact even very selfish. It was about a year ago when I realized how awesome he really is. 

Background:

My uncle Peter was affected with Polio as a kid. Both his legs were affected by Polio, one more than the other. As a joke, we would joke about how his feet are shaped like little swans. His toes curled up like the swan's head and his balls of the feet look like the chest of the swan. Due to the anatomical difference of his feet and legs, his shoes would cause ulcers to form and he's been dealing with this chronic issue for about 10 years now. About six years ago, he was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia and takes medication for it. A recent discovery from an X-ray exam indicated that he also has a displaced hip on his good leg and needs hip replacement. 

Awesomeness:

Despite all his medical problems, he is the happiest person I know. If you google Happy As a Clam, that picture I posted above should show up. He keeps things simple. He does what the doctor says. He fills his time by helping my uncle Charlie (another awesome person) at the restaurant. He has a positive outlook on life. He is not afraid to die. 

My mom use to be his caretaker and after she passed away, I took the responsibility. When I first started  taking care of his medical issues, it was tough. My week was filled with doctor's appointments. It gradually became less. I was definitely feeling emotionally and physically drained from it and subconsciously became not very nice towards him. Then I read this book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I started to understand my uncle and our relationship. 

There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. I always thought my uncle expected me to do everything for him. For awhile, I thought he took me for granted and was a person that always takes and does not give. I would get upset at him when he would go shopping and fill the freezer with enough food to feed a whole army. Sometimes he would bring food from the restaurant that he thinks I would like, but bc I was constantly on some sort of lifestyle modification, I would not appreciate it. After reading the book, I realized that he was trying to speak the language of Gift Giving. He was trying to show me that he appreciates and loves me by giving me food. That is the only language he knows how to speak and capable of showing. Once I realized that, I started to feel loved and appreciated. 

My Uncle Peter has taught me to have patience not only to people with disability, but with everything in life. His positive outlook has rubbed off on me. Just when I think something is bad, I just remember his goofy smile and think "IT COULD BE A LOT WORSE". His MO is to keep things simple and I try to apply it. He also believes he can do anything (sometimes I wonder if he even thinks of himself as someone who is disabled). I also live my life believing that I can do anything, I just have to try. I love my uncle and I think he is just AWESOME.